lately, i can't really breathe. everything in my head is all jumbled up together. school, job, baby, fiancee, parents, my need to move forward. everything becomes a blur at times. i try to distract myself by losing myself in a book, it doesn't work too good. i have all these design ideas bouncing, bouncing, and bouncing around in my head. everytime i see a design show or just look around the room, i want to change everything around me. i want to add color, pizzazz! add a little umph of my own everywhere. that's y i can't wait until my honey and i get our own place. i know he trusts my eye for design. he'll probably even let me do whatever i want. my son. my sonny boy. man-o-man i want to give him everything. him and his daddy. i don't have a job and wish i did everytime i go to a store. i love clothes and shoes, then again what woman doesn't! i haven't bought anything that i wanted in a long time. the last time i bought me something was when i was pregnant, that was because i didn't fit in my skinny jeans any more. my parents keep thinking i'm a little girl. i am their little girl but i'm a grown woman with a son and fiancee. i'm trying to live my life with them on our own. as a family. as soon as we get a job we will be getting a place and eventually a house. but not just any house! no way!! i want a house that our children will grow up in and will move out of, either to college or to a family of their own. a house that my husband and i will grow old in and our children and their families will visit us in for the holidays. i want a white house with a porch that wraps around the entire house.
when i have all this in my head, it hurts to think about one thing because everything goes crazy in my head. i've been wanting to paint lately. maybe i should. i heard it helps put your mind at a blank like the canvas when you first start to paint. sometimes that's all i want to be, BLANK.
